सिसक  

Confessions Of The Vice Buddha

इन पलकों के पीछे आज
इक समुन्दर सा उमड़ रहा है
सुर्ख इस रूह की गहराइयों में
इक बादल सा घुमड़ रहा है
दिल-ए-गुस्ताखी की बक्शीश तो
उसके पास भी न थी कभी
अब भी जो साकित इस ज़िन्दगी में
साँसे कुछ मढ़ रहा है

कसक सी जगी थी इसमें
कुछ चंद लम्हा पहले जो
उस कसक के एहसास को
आज फिर वो टला रहा है
मेरे इश्क के जुनूँ से शर्मा के
कल शाम जो ढल गया था
बेशर्मी की तेज़ी से अब
पहचां को जला रहा है

जाओ न करेंगे अब
गिला कोई यूँ तुमसे
उन लबों के निशान अब भी
दिल-ए-खामोश भुला रहा है
पर इस जिस्म के हर ज़र्रे पर
उन लबों के हैं कुछ ज़ख्म
उन ज़ख्मों का दर्द अब भी हमें
पल पल यूँ रुला रहा है..

पल पल यूँ रुला रहा है

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And So It Is...  

Confessions Of The Vice Buddha

Friday, 2 a.m. I lie sleepless, on a bed stretched out in the warmth of a fireplace in a begrimed space somewhere in the city. While the world is unconscious of the evil spiders lurking in the dark corners of their bedrooms, I can’t seem to untangle the cobwebs spun around my mind. It grows grimmer, like a sinister maze. The threads entwine with every effort I make to undo them, for the spiders are stronger than my will. I dread the dawn. The thought of another day to live petrifies me. I panic. I can’t take this anymore. This unwarranted life, this unjustifiable existence amidst barking pillars. I find myself failing miserably to find a meaning; to find anything. My thoughts wander aimlessly. Its a dead end that I have reached. The only way out is the way back. But I haven’t been as wise as Gretel to have dropped bread crumbs along the way. I am out of choices because of the ones previously made. Stuck in mire, I feel engulfed in it more with every tick of the wall clock. Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock!

O no! I see...

I spun a web,

Its tangled up with me.

And I lost my head..

The thought of all the stupid things I’ve said...

O no! What’s this?

A spider’s web

And I’m caught in the middle

I turned to run..

The thought of all the stupid things I’ve done.

I never meant to cause you trouble

I never meant to do you wrong

I, Well if I ever caused you trouble

O, No I never meant to do you harm...

[Courtesy: Coldplay - Trouble]

Akki,

It took me a long time to write this. And I am not even sure if I am doing the correct thing or what. All I want to tell you is how sorry I am that I put you through this. And all I ever want is to see you smile and be happy, wherever you are, Zurich, or otherwise!


Love always,
Josh.

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Fallen... I Think!  

Confessions Of The Vice Buddha

It had been nine months. Nine months since I had last seen him. A very Jim Morrison moment that was, with his one foot on the platform, and the other on the train, while he looked at me with a smile that spoke a thousand words. I, of course, stood numb, a couple of feet away; had a tear rolling down my left cheek. Well, almost rolling down! And then the train whistled viciously. He left. And I got hooked to that moment instantaneously- hooked to the way his hair smelled, hooked to the tenderness of his embrace and the bait of his lips. And the funny thing is that, back then, I wasn’t even in love… or so I thought!

The nine months were over eventually. He was to be back in town just a couple of days ahead of the most important academic exams of my entire career (which I royally screwed up!). I couldn’t go to pick him up because his mom wanted to. I too wanted to. It’s just that I couldn’t. Its like, his mom has the first right. And I tried to tell myself that the philosophy made sense. But that’s another story! What I want to speak of here is that one feeling I had when we met. It’s still inexplicable to me. In the last nine months, we have spoken an awful lot over the phone. And in those talks, we have rather frequently mentioned the phrase ‘long distance relationship’… not with any positive connotations either. It was a difficult concept for me. We were to be on different continents for the next five years. It wasn’t easy for me to just, you know… fall in love! I felt like I was in the exact situation as he was nine months ago. I had one foot on the platform and the other on the train. Of course, there was a small distinguishing detail-- He boarded the train. I was still contemplating!

In the last nine months, I had convinced myself multifold times over and again that five years is a long time to stay apart and still be in a ‘relationship’. And I actually had rehearsed the scene so many times over in my head where I would speak of it to him. And then, it happened! We met in the evening of the day he arrived. For the first few moments, there was silence. And then he smiled. It was a déjà vu. I could hear the exact thousand words again. I, of course, stood numb, a couple of feet away; had a tear rolling down my left cheek. Well! Almost rolling down! Time had stopped, in a non-exaggerating sort of way! We hugged, and I kissed him gently on his left shoulder and he let out a passionate sigh. It was in that very moment when I felt it. I was thinking, if this is what it felt like to wait for something for so long and then finally get it, I was ready to wait for another era. It was so totally worth it. That was it! All I ever wanted, in that very moment.

Well! Who knows! May be this time, it’s me who would board the train. Though I know, he is still contemplating.

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Breathe  

Confessions Of The Vice Buddha

Dear friends (and a few foes too!)

Apologies for not showing up all this while. My academic and social obligations had been keeping me from writing. I am flattered and gratified. The mails kept coming all this while to liberate me from my woes, even if fleetingly! I can’t pledge to be here a whole lot like before, but I do assure that I won’t ever ditch my journal! Funny thing, these memories are! Perplexingly picturesque in the establishment, and then they gradually begin to fade, yielding place for the new ones to haunt you yet again. Its so difficult to cling on to the happy ones. It’s like… a phenomenon! I don’t deny that it rains, though seldom. And for a moment, it seems that there would be verve again when I wake up the next morning. But then comes another day, with another fireball, shining loud upon the aridity, and before the water could seep through the cracks of my heart and reach the soul, it all vaporizes in thin air… every drop of it! And what’s left behind is another crack!


I can’t hardly fathom how I was able to keep away from blogging all this while. I had so much to say, to share, to ask… The fork of my mind was playing mystique! I have been feeling numb, for quite a while now. The butterflies have been nasty lately. They have been screaming. I couldn’t hold it any more. I had to breathe again! So I am here!

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Where Do We Get It All?  

Confessions Of The Vice Buddha

Check it out!

I was just reading random shit when I came across this masterpiece! And I was like, this should go on my blog. It so deserves it. :P

Anyway, the source can be reached by clicking here.

*Quotes*

Where Do Homosexuals Get All Their Energy?

Boy, am I beat. And it's not like I have some crazy life where I'm working three jobs and going to night school. No, I just have one job and a small apartment. I don't even have a pet to look after. Even so, it seems that no matter what I do, there's always more. If they put another eight hours in the day, I might be able to catch up on the laundry list of chores I have, or even just my laundry, if I were lucky. But you know who really gets it done? Homosexuals.

I know what you're saying: Brandon, you're just perpetuating the stereotype that homosexuals are superhuman. That is totally not true. All I'm saying is, with their boundless energy and talents, they make us straight guys look bad.

Just look at the way they dress. They must get up bright and early just to figure out how to match their homosexual outfits. They do this, plus take the time to have a nice, hot morning bath. And they eat, too. Homosexuals know that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. By 8 a.m., they are out the door, fully rested and raring to go.

For me, just shopping for a new pair of shoes is exhausting. I try on maybe one or two new pairs, and I'm ready to call it a day. But a homosexual can sit for hours in Barney's tirelessly trying on dozens of pairs, and when he finds the one he wants, why, he's ready to wear those shoes out to a homosexual club and dance all night. What vim!

And that's another thing: Even after partying all night, homosexuals must have to work a lot in order to earn enough money for their active lifestyles. After all, meals at the trendiest restaurants in town don't grow on trees. So they go to their jobs as designers and lawyers and architects and work hard to afford all these things. Their busy minds are always whirring, whirring, whirring.

They're no slouches at home, either—they always have to be fixing something. Homosexuals are the first ones to go into a bad neighborhood, buy a beautiful old building, restore it to its former grandeur, and then wait until a coffee shop opens on the block. Or they open one themselves! Do you understand? They don't even have a coffee shop when they move into the neighborhood. I can't get anything done without a cup of good coffee.

And do you know what they do after restoring a building? To the gym! They pump iron and play racquetball like they were tying their shoes. It's nothing to them. Or they go jogging in an urban riverside park and take their dogs with them. And as they do these things, they effortlessly carry on the most sparkling conversations filled with witty bon mots and juicy innuendo. That physical activity frees up their minds and gives them ideas for their next play or painting. Imagine being able to run six miles a day and make indelible contributions to the arts and letters of our country. Phew! I get tired just thinking about it!

And don't remind me about those gallery openings. After a hard day of work, I was barely able to drag my ass down to the last one. I told myself, I'm not doing this again anytime soon! But it would never occur to homosexuals to think those things. The moment I walked in, there they were, dressed impeccably and criticizing the choice of wine. They'd even prepared these fantastic hors d'oeuvres trays. Ever heard of jicama? Well, if you're homosexual, you have. It's a very tasty vegetable and, though exotic, an ideal choice for a light appetizer. Naturally!

So I ask, where do they get all their energy? Is it from all that meth? I've heard it's an epidemic in the homosexual community, and it may explain how they can charge through their day. But that doesn't seem like the whole explanation. Perhaps it's the centuries of persecution that's kept them on their toes. Or maybe homosexual sex is simply more invigorating and satisfying. Or could it be that their quest to be perfect is a way to compensate for their families' shame? It's a mystery to me! But whatever it is, it sure seems to be working.

~~

8)

PS: And here I am wondering how in this goddamn world does Brandon's acquaintance know so much about the homosexual community in such an elaborate detail. :P

Though he did say that it was an epidemic. I wonder if he has the virus too :P



Oh, and by the way, some disgruntled asshole is spamming my blog. :P
He is going to various posts and commenting anonymously, trying to flaunt his stupidity by actually making personal comments about me rather than commenting about the post. :)

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Bisexuality Is Real!  

Confessions Of The Vice Buddha

You know how digging earth goes, right? Like, you go a little deep, and find nothing! So you go deeper, till you hit something worthwhile to stop digging anymore? Well, it happened the other day with me. I was browsing through random blogs when I came across a blog with an interesting video on youtube uploaded by this homosexual kid wherein he orated his views about how his life would have been if he were straight! Adored the video... like completely! And of course, i find the guy too irresistible. he is so HaWwWtT! ;)

Anyway, I started digging further, until I hit the following video. Man, he is so so right. I always wanted to say what he say in this video (more or less!), but I couldn't find the right words! And I am amazed at the simplicity with which Derek said it all!

The cat is out of the bag guys! Bisexuality exists.. for real. :: Ogle Ogle ::







By the way, you can watch more videos by Derek here!



PS: I am irritated because my Belated Valentine's post is taking so much time. :(
Akki.. I apologise. I am working on it, still. I just wish I were not in receipt of a daily mental spanking so that I would sulk less and write more. :|

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Mistake, Or Was It? - Update  

Confessions Of The Vice Buddha

I wrote a post a couple of weeks back about a friendly soup gone sour. I need to make an update.


Well, we spoke eventually, a few minutes back! It was surprising, and a little disappointing when I think about the reason which started the conversation, but that is another story. Anyway, he told me that 'Love You' was not meant for me. It was an accident, a case of mixed up phone numbers. I know that sounds more like an excuse, but I would choose to believe him. I am sure he wouldn't lie to me at the least! I do still love him, in a more platonic fashion of course. And i hope he realized it when he read this for the first time today!

Friend : When on earth did I say 'Love You'?

Josh : Message received on Feb-7-2009, 02:19:20. And don't try and tell me that the message was for someone else, which was accidentally delivered to me. That is an overly used excuse.

Friend : That message was not for you. But you wont take it because you said it in you post. Anyways, peace out!

Josh : You know I still care for you, don't you? But after knowing that talking to me 'hurts' you more every time, I convinced myself never to call you up unless you do it first! About what the arbitrator spoke to you, I repeat, I really don't know . But the truth is that I wasn't prying. I wasn't asking anyone anything. All I ever wanted was for him to take care of you when he was in your city. You are not obliged to respond, anyway! Because I am just another guy. And about the message you sent me accidentally, I will take your word for it. I will edit the post.

Friend : Thank you and cheers!


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