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Monday, December 29, 2008

So Far, So Good!

The year started with solipsism. I chose to be five hundred miles away from my folks, because I thought I didn’t belong. What surprised me was that mum agreed to it! She said, “Its only better that you leave!” So I left, got a job that wasn’t meant for me, but rewarded me adequately to buy me a quilt in early January, and a pack of cigarettes every few days to fuel my psyche, so that I could sustain the introspection. For three months, I did not speak to anyone from my family. Infact, I don’t think I missed them at all. Yet, I wasn’t too proud of myself. I mean you should have looked at me back then. Living in a gloomy apartment, sans my guitar or my books, yearning for an embrace, and surrounded by strangers! It never got any better!

Came April, and mum tricked me into taking a trip back home. Jesus, I fell for it! I was in Lucknow within forty eight hours counted from the moment that I heard mum over the phone, and she sounded poignant. The funny thing is no one even brought up an ounce about my sabbatical. I was welcome home in the same fashion like a mother welcomes her kid home everyday after school. Lunch followed soon and then came evening, when dad arrives back from work everyday. And within moments I was back in time. Nothing had changed. Everything was the same. It started again. The discomfiture, the clash, the hostilities, the bickering, the disputes! I looked at mum at that moment. And all I found contempt, coupled with deception from two days before. That night, I once again allowed the alcohol to devour me.

Of course, I missed my exams in May. I wasn’t ready. Not for the exams, neither for the harangue budding from the fact that my career was going to ruins and the extra academic cost was totally uncalled for. But is it my fault, really? One needs an affectionate milieu and support to focus and study. One needs that tranquility of mind which had been alien to me for long then. I tried to compromise so many times. But the disquiet at home had become a chore. The day wasn’t done without it. Dad started picking up inane issues, which he customarily and emotively allied to my incapacity to perform up to his expectation. My academic history had no bearing then. He chose to neglect the fact that for eighteen years of my academic life, I pretty much administered everything on my own. He never glanced beyond the signature box on the annual report card. All he knew was that his boy was scoring excellent grades. So I quickly adapted to the autonomy. Now, when my studies were about to be done with, he was suddenly hit with the realization that I spent more time making merry at 23 as compared to when I was 13! So, he developed a rapid interest in my daily schedule, and after all these years of oblivion, for the first time, condemned vigorously of ‘my ways’. I tried to make him appreciate that that was the way my mind and body had been functioning since ages now, which he conveniently ignored and continued with the gripe. I used to mark a calendar with a red cross for each day I got a taste of his spite for something which worked excellent for both of us till he was unacquainted. August 26th was the only day which did not have a mark. It was my friend’s birthday and I was out for the entire night. By mid September I had decided to give up chartered accountancy and take up an unintelligent career somewhere away from home which would win me bread and occasional butter, because by then, state of affairs had twisted to acute excruciation. Bless my mentor, who talked me into staying back and giving it another attempt. October went by smoothly because I was always home with a book in my hands. And yet, there were a few scarce instances when the book was on the table and I was over the phone or online or ‘taking a break’. Dad never forgot to stare in disgust. So I flushed my cell phone out in the shit pot, bashed the monitor of my computer with a baseball bat, set my guitar ablaze and locked myself in a room for one month. Strange enough, I still couldn’t study!

I was done with the exams on November 16th. I was glad, because I was expectant. The results would be out by January 13th, and my analysis of my efforts gave me motivation enough to hope for the best, despite everything hostile. So, I decided to go out for a couple of beers with friends. I came back late. It was three at night and dad was awake. As I said, the day wasn’t done yet!

Its December 29th today, and regardless of living under one roof, I haven’t spoken to either of my parents for more than a month again. Hence, everyone’s happy. Or so I think! I am still at Lucknow. And now that I reflect, things really haven’t changed. I m still living in a gloomy apartment, sans my guitar or my books, yearning for an embrace, and surrounded by strangers! And yeah… it never got any better!

Another year gone by! So far, so good!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Quote.... Unquote

"Funny thing about guilt! There’s nothing so

bad that you can’t add a little guilt to it and

make it worse. There’s nothing so good that

you can’t add a little guilt to it and make it


Jacqueline Bisset as Lila Montagne
-Latter Days ( TLA Releasing 2003 )

Thursday, December 18, 2008

My Song

In the heart of the dark, I wake up at times,

and watch the silver crescent and a million eyes,

gazing at me through the window.

How I yearn, I were with you then!

I whisper to the zephyr, and implore her

to bear my song beyond my horizons and hum in your ears,

My woe, My twinge, My ecstasy!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Mere Butterflies

I must have been fourteen when I first saw an unclothed human body. Till before that, I had only read about the anatomical disparity between a male and a female body. For the first time, I tried to comprehend for real. Being a boy, you learn about masturbation, sex and the like early in life. Back then, my parents might have been scandalised to learn that even at a tender age of twelve, I could explain the term erection, that too with picturesque details, like the way its shown in a pornographic film. In a sum, I was growing normally like my other pals- watching porn, fantasizing about high school girls, cracking dirty jokes and being jealous of the smartest looking boy of the class who was more popular amongst girls than you. Little did I understand that my jealousy was directed towards the girls rather than the boy! And the day I lost my virginity, I understood why I had killed his girlfriend so many times in my head!
There we lay, next to each other, covered in skin. I could see the curiosity on her face. It was the first time for both of us, after all. And soon she asked me, “So, wanna do it?” I had a feeling that she couldn’t see what was inside my head. I was looking at butterflies! Colourful and gay! The butterflies have never died since. I am still thinking, still questioning myself. What if I had not gone all the way with her that day? What if I had never tasted the normal ways? It would have been so much easier then. I wouldn’t have been breaking lady hearts today. I could have easily told a girl then, “Sorry darling, but I like men!” Now, I have to struggle with those butterflies in my head every time I take a girl to bed.
I am, now, 24 and the butterflies turned 10 on August 26th, 2008. Every fuck I have had in the last 10 years, the butterflies have grown-- grown stronger and scarier. Sometimes, when I am alone at night, the butterflies haunt my dreams. What if they come out to the world? What if the world comes to know how colourful they are? What if the brightness of those colours makes my mom go blind? I know I cannot kill the butterflies, so I wouldn’t even try to. But they are still living in my head. And when I fail to muster up the courage to let them out, I self defend disappointingly by telling me that those are but mere butterflies!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Of Nirvaan..!!

I see you standing
Amidst a crowd
Some faces known,
Others to explore.
One by one
They pass by you
Soul after soul
Some leave a smile
Some leave a burn
Some give you warmth
Some, a chill down the spine.
But when night approaches
And the crowd disperses
You find yourself alone
And introspect.

I see you thinking
In moonlit moments
About the scars
That burn and pain
I see you pine
For love and cure
For that someone
Who caresses the burn
Who calms the pain
Fills you in his arms
And kisses you gently
On your chin.
Who draws a quilt
Over your nakedness
And watches you sleep.

You look at me
With undressing eyes
Layer after layer
And I feel numb
Enchanted, complete.
Eyes whisper in silence
And shout in tears
Yours were struggling in seas
Intense for an embrace
While I felt drawn
To the empty space
Next to your soul
And then, I climb in
Kiss your nape, and say
“Sleep my love! I am here now.”

Of Akie..!

I used to like the burning smell

Of charring leaves and paper rolls

A little less good

A little more bad

A little less sane

A little more mad

And then you came

Along my way

Brought winds of change

In just one day

There is but now

A freshly hint

In weed I smoke

Now there is mint.

I used to like the mesh of life

Of boys in teens and unwashed bowls

A little less clean

A little more dirt

A little less meaning

A little more mirth

And then you came

Crashed into me

Those grains of sand

Now’ll crystal be

My bowls are now

Such spic and span

From teenaged boy

I am a man.

I used to like the solitude

Of Casanovas and charming youth

A little less love

A little more lust

A little less depth

A little more crust

And then you came

So came a twist

In times we spent

I learnt the gist

That more than sweat

And bed sheets torn

I’ll find your smell

In home made corn.