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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Fallen... I Think!

It had been nine months. Nine months since I had last seen him. A very Jim Morrison moment that was, with his one foot on the platform, and the other on the train, while he looked at me with a smile that spoke a thousand words. I, of course, stood numb, a couple of feet away; had a tear rolling down my left cheek. Well, almost rolling down! And then the train whistled viciously. He left. And I got hooked to that moment instantaneously- hooked to the way his hair smelled, hooked to the tenderness of his embrace and the bait of his lips. And the funny thing is that, back then, I wasn’t even in love… or so I thought!

The nine months were over eventually. He was to be back in town just a couple of days ahead of the most important academic exams of my entire career (which I royally screwed up!). I couldn’t go to pick him up because his mom wanted to. I too wanted to. It’s just that I couldn’t. Its like, his mom has the first right. And I tried to tell myself that the philosophy made sense. But that’s another story! What I want to speak of here is that one feeling I had when we met. It’s still inexplicable to me. In the last nine months, we have spoken an awful lot over the phone. And in those talks, we have rather frequently mentioned the phrase ‘long distance relationship’… not with any positive connotations either. It was a difficult concept for me. We were to be on different continents for the next five years. It wasn’t easy for me to just, you know… fall in love! I felt like I was in the exact situation as he was nine months ago. I had one foot on the platform and the other on the train. Of course, there was a small distinguishing detail-- He boarded the train. I was still contemplating!

In the last nine months, I had convinced myself multifold times over and again that five years is a long time to stay apart and still be in a ‘relationship’. And I actually had rehearsed the scene so many times over in my head where I would speak of it to him. And then, it happened! We met in the evening of the day he arrived. For the first few moments, there was silence. And then he smiled. It was a déjà vu. I could hear the exact thousand words again. I, of course, stood numb, a couple of feet away; had a tear rolling down my left cheek. Well! Almost rolling down! Time had stopped, in a non-exaggerating sort of way! We hugged, and I kissed him gently on his left shoulder and he let out a passionate sigh. It was in that very moment when I felt it. I was thinking, if this is what it felt like to wait for something for so long and then finally get it, I was ready to wait for another era. It was so totally worth it. That was it! All I ever wanted, in that very moment.

Well! Who knows! May be this time, it’s me who would board the train. Though I know, he is still contemplating.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Breathe

Dear friends (and a few foes too!)

Apologies for not showing up all this while. My academic and social obligations had been keeping me from writing. I am flattered and gratified. The mails kept coming all this while to liberate me from my woes, even if fleetingly! I can’t pledge to be here a whole lot like before, but I do assure that I won’t ever ditch my journal! Funny thing, these memories are! Perplexingly picturesque in the establishment, and then they gradually begin to fade, yielding place for the new ones to haunt you yet again. Its so difficult to cling on to the happy ones. It’s like… a phenomenon! I don’t deny that it rains, though seldom. And for a moment, it seems that there would be verve again when I wake up the next morning. But then comes another day, with another fireball, shining loud upon the aridity, and before the water could seep through the cracks of my heart and reach the soul, it all vaporizes in thin air… every drop of it! And what’s left behind is another crack!


I can’t hardly fathom how I was able to keep away from blogging all this while. I had so much to say, to share, to ask… The fork of my mind was playing mystique! I have been feeling numb, for quite a while now. The butterflies have been nasty lately. They have been screaming. I couldn’t hold it any more. I had to breathe again! So I am here!