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Sunday, February 19, 2012

Life As We Know It....

It has been quite a journey I'd say. I was all of 14 when I knew what I wanted. It was not sex. It was not guys. It was just... a naive need to be accepted the way I am, for who I am. So I started opening up, even to random strangers. Quite a schmoozer I was! I explored, ventured, snooped through the unknown. It was fun, as a kid! Guileless as I was, I went on a spell… sex, gay friends, parties, drugs... and other unmentionable things became a daily chore. Some would say that I had an awesome teenage life. And I’d say, “Hell ya! I did.”

 
Came early 20’s, I had made my spot as a popular loose boy across town. I loved my life and told myself, “This is the real motherfuckin’ deal yo’all!” And then, something happened which I never intended to do. I fell in love! Everything changed. But Life was still good. Guileless as I was, I went on a spell… Phone chats, long drives, dates, dinners.. and other unmentionable things became a daily chore. Some would say that I had the perfect relationship. And I’d say, “Yeah, well, about that.........!”


I am 27 now. I have spent the last three years collecting shards of a shattered heart. I’ve been through the cliché of inflicting self-pain, taking dangerous measures when the twinge won’t end, bled my wrists, charred my lungs, rusted my liver. In the process, I gained real friends, who cared, who slapped me when they needed to and who embraced me when I needed them to. They helped me get over my ex (Who am I kidding? I'll never be over him.). They helped me move ahead, see new horizons and bask in a new sun! I did not go on no spell this time. I was cautious. Some would say that my friends are awesome and they are pretty jealous of me. And I’d say, “One, there are just a couple of ‘em who are my real friends… two, little did I know about the impending backstabbing, over a stupid lay… and three, no matter what, they still rock my world!” They are still my friends. They always will be. I owe them much to take the recent cross too strongly. But I cant confront them. I can’t let them know that I know what they did.

 
Yes, Life is a mess right now. Not too sure what I am looking for, what I am doing here. I need out! Just wish to get away from everything that used to be good, used to be brilliant, used to be called..... Life!